Perfectionism

Do you find yourself battling self-criticism, fearing failure, or struggling to switch off at the end of the day? These may be signs of perfectionism which is a drive for flawlessness that can quietly drain your energy and affect the people around you.

Perfectionism often shows up as holding yourself, and sometimes others, to impossibly high standards. While it can seem helpful on the surface, it often takes a toll, straining relationships, fuelling self-doubt, and making it harder to feel satisfied with what you’ve achieved. In therapy, we can explore how these patterns shape your relationships and daily life, and work toward creating a more balanced, compassionate way of approaching challenges.

Trying to get everything “just right” can come at a cost. You might feel overwhelmed or anxious more often than you would like. You may feel as though you’re never good enough, even when your achievements are clear. You might find yourself constantly overthinking and feeling exhausted from trying to keep everything perfect.

Perfectionism is more than wanting to do well. It involves setting standards so high that they become almost unreachable, then judging yourself harshly when you fall short. These tendencies can appear in any area of life, including work, study, relationships, or personal goals.

There are many reasons perfectionism develops. Some people grow up receiving praise mainly for their achievements, while others absorb high expectations from family, school, or society. Personality traits such as being highly conscientious or having strong self-discipline can also play a part. In today’s world, the pressure to succeed and the constant comparison encouraged by social media can make these tendencies even stronger.

Understanding where perfectionism comes from and how it shows up in your life is the first step toward loosening its hold. With support, it’s absolutely possible to build a healthier, more compassionate way of striving and succeeding.

How perfectionism shows up

Perfectionism often includes a set of core traits that can quietly shape how someone approaches their life and work. People who struggle with perfectionism may set extremely high or rigid goals and feel they must get everything exactly right. When things don’t go as planned, they tend to focus more on what went “wrong” than on what went well, and their inner critic can be relentless. This can create an all-or-nothing mindset where anything short of perfect feels like a failure. Many perfectionists also find themselves overplanning, struggling to make decisions, or feeling uncomfortable delegating tasks because they fear mistakes.

Not all perfectionism looks the same. Some people show what’s known as adaptive perfectionism - they hold high standards but still feel grounded, motivated, and able to appreciate their efforts even when things don’t turn out perfectly. In contrast, unhealthy perfectionism involves harsh self-judgment, ongoing dissatisfaction, and a constant sense of pressure to meet unrealistic expectations. This more difficult form can contribute to issues such as anxiety, burnout, low mood, and a reduced sense of well-being.

The helpful side of perfectionism

People with perfectionistic tendencies often carry strengths that can serve them well in many parts of life. Many set ambitious goals and work hard to reach them, which can lead to strong achievements in areas like work, education, sports, and creative activities. Their commitment to doing things well can place them among high performers in their fields.

Another strength of perfectionists is their natural motivation. Perfectionistic individuals often have a strong work ethic and a willingness to put in the time and effort needed to meet their own expectations. This drive can increase productivity and help them stay focused and organised when tackling tasks.

Perfectionists also tend to notice details others might miss. Their careful, thorough approach means they often produce work of a very high standard. This can be especially valuable in roles where precision matters, such as science, design, editing, or technical professions.

Challenges linked to perfectionism

Many perfectionists struggle with a harsh inner critic. Instead of recognising their progress or successes, they may focus on what they think they didn’t do well enough. This can lead to low self-worth and a sense of never measuring up, even when they’re achieving a great deal. Constantly pushing for flawlessness often creates ongoing stress or anxiety, especially when there’s a fear of making mistakes or not living up to personal expectations. Over time, this pressure can contribute to burnout and affect mental well-being.

The fear of falling short can also make it difficult to begin or complete tasks. When expectations feel overwhelming, perfectionists may become stuck, procrastinate, or avoid decisions because they’re worried about getting things wrong.

Relationships can be impacted too. The high standards perfectionists set for themselves sometimes extend to those around them, leading to tension, misunderstandings, or frustration. This can strain personal and professional relationships.

Finally, perfectionism can reduce flexibility. When things don't go exactly to plan, unexpected changes or uncertainty may feel especially stressful. Rigid standards can make it harder to adapt, cope with challenges, or shift direction when needed.

Why perfectionism develops

Perfectionism can develop for many reasons, and it often begins early in life. Growing up in an environment where approval, attention, or love feels conditional can set the stage for unhealthy perfectionistic patterns. This can happen in any family system, especially when a child senses they must excel or behave in a certain way to feel valued.

As children who consistently achieved or stood out grew older, the pressure to maintain that identity could turn into a deep fear of failure. Tasks that once felt exciting might begin to feel overwhelming, leading to procrastination, avoidance, or anxiety about not meeting expectations. Their sense of self can gradually become tied to what they produce rather than who they are.

For some individuals, early academic success plays a significant role. Children who were advanced for their age or received frequent praise for being “smart” may have internalised the belief that their worth comes from exceptional performance. Even well-intentioned praise focused on achievement can send a message that being loved or accepted depends on continual success.

In adulthood, this conditioning may evolve into chronic self-doubt, intense pressure to perform, and hesitancy to take on new challenges unless the outcome feels certain. Without understanding how these patterns took root, perfectionism can become emotionally exhausting and limit the person’s ability to grow, explore, and feel truly at ease.

How managing perfectionism helps

Managing perfectionism doesn’t mean lowering your standards or stepping away from achievement. Instead, it’s about finding a way to succeed that feels healthier and more sustainable. When the pressure eases, you can enjoy the process of working toward your goals rather than feeling consumed by the outcome. As perfectionistic habits soften and anxiety decreases, you may notice meaningful changes:

  • You feel calmer and more present
  • Sleep improves because your mind can finally switch off
  • You’re able to relax without feeling guilty
  • Overthinking becomes less intense and easier to manage
  • You’re kinder to yourself and less self-critical
  • Procrastination reduces because tasks don’t feel so overwhelming
  • You develop more realistic expectations of others, helping your relationships stay strong
  • You get things done more efficiently and with less emotional strain

Remember, the aim isn’t to eliminate perfectionism but to work with it in a healthier way. When you can use the strengths beneath it, ie your care, precision and commitment to doing things well it becomes an asset rather than something that exhausts you. This balance creates space for a better work-life rhythm, stronger connections with others, and a more grounded, confident view of yourself.

Using your perfectionism in a healthy way

See healthy perfectionism as a strength.
Recognise that your desire for depth, quality, and precision is valuable. These traits can enhance your work and enrich your life.

Separate excellence from perfection.
Remember that your “good enough” often looks exceptional to others. Meeting the needs of the situation still counts as success.

Seek feedback from people whose standards match your own.
Hearing from people you respect makes it easier to trust their perspective and worry less about imagined flaws.

Practise patience with others.
Not everyone shares your level of detail or pace, and that’s okay. Accepting this can reduce frustration while helping you connect with people who understand you.

Break tasks into manageable steps.
When a project feels overwhelming, create small steps, set brief time limits, and give yourself small rewards for getting started.

Challenge all-or-nothing thinking.
One mistake doesn’t negate the entire project. Remind yourself that imperfect efforts still have value.

Prioritise what really matters.
Not every task needs to be polished endlessly. Ask yourself whether the extra time or energy is truly necessary.

Evaluate your work in context, not by your internal ideal.
Consider whether your work is more than adequate for the grade, deadline, or purpose rather than aiming for your personal maximum every time.

Use mistakes as learning tools.
Remind yourself that growth often comes from errors, not flawless performance.

Support perfectionistic or gifted children with care.
Focus on traits like curiosity, empathy, and creativity rather than achievement alone. Offer specific, thoughtful feedback (“Tell me more about your idea”) and encourage activities that require practice and persistence. Listen deeply to how they feel, not just what they accomplish.

How can therapy help

Striving for excellence and holding high standards can be incredibly positive when they’re balanced with self-compassion and an understanding of your own limits. But when perfectionism becomes overwhelming or starts to affect your wellbeing, therapy can provide the support and tools you need to find a healthier balance.

Working through perfectionism is a personal process. It involves building self-awareness, understanding the beliefs that keep you stuck, and learning new ways of responding to pressure, self-criticism, and fear of failure. I draw on approaches such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and parts work to help you explore these patterns with curiosity and compassion.

In our work together, I support you in noticing and questioning unhelpful rules or demands, softening the inner critic, and setting goals that are meaningful and realistic rather than driven by pressure or fear. Therapy can help you feel more balanced, increase your sense of wellbeing, improve productivity without burnout, and reconnect with the satisfaction of your achievements rather than feeling consumed by them.